So here’s something fairly deep to think about.
Nilofer Merchant wrote an interesting blog post last week that told a story about when she was at a rather high-powered networking event a few years ago and was “between opportunities” at the time. It sparked an interesting reflection about the meaning of a title, and why we spend so much time and energy on them. Titles, of course, are enormously incomplete. As Nilofer said:
No amount of titles would make it clear my unique gifts in the world, or yours. (Yet, actually paying attention to what matters to people might actually let us connect with each other.) Titles are simply false standards by which we come to define who we are. But, because they are so pervasive, we believe in them as a truth.
When pushed, most of us will of course take the high road and say that titles don’t really matter–it’s who the person is in the world that matters. But try going to a meeting without a title, or without an answer to “what do you do?” As I thought about it, I realized that titles (and the neat little boxes they imply) are useful to us. They help simplify the world. And when we provide a title, or a short answer as to what it is we do, we are trying to distinguish ourselves. We are setting ourselves apart from others. This is who I am (and therefore, who others are not).
That’s definitely incomplete, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It reminded me of another important post by Barry Oshry on the Seeing Systems blog on the topic, interestingly enough, of gender differences and championship soccer. In that post Oshry makes the point that all systems express themselves through both love and power.
The Love orientation focuses on our commonality, our oneness; differences are played down; the focus is on our connectedness to one another, our mutual support in the service of a common goal. The taboos of Love systems are actions that separate us from one another.
The Power orientation focuses on our separateness, our independence, the elaboration of our difference. The taboo of Power systems is anything that constrains our freedom.
I will repeat: all systems express themselves through love and power. The whole title thing feels like the power piece. We need that. We need to set ourselves apart. We need distinction. Our systems (and the individuals in them) need to express ourselves through power. We just need to balance it with the love piece and the way we all connect. Have you ever been in a workshop where you had to introduce yourself and share something personal as part of the exercise? That is a way that balances the power with the love. The “I’m VP of X” with the “I love to garden.”
Here’s a thought experiment: does your organization balance love and power?